I decided not to IM that individual anymore.   I’m just too anxious to talk with him.  I like to talk to him, but I’m obsessing about it.   I see him post in group, but he’s not on.  Makes me wonder if he doesn’t want to or if I said something wrong….   I over think and over analyze.  I love to talk to him and I continuously worry if I’m going to make our on-line friendship go down the crapper. Let me make this clear:  I don’t want a “relationship” with him,  I just want to be his friend.  I am so worried that I’ll screw things up.  I have in the past,  two times for sure.

I know there is about a thousand reasons for him to not be on..all of them not involving me. It’s best to just not IM him anymore.  I’m not that conceited to believe he is avoiding me,  it’s the anxiety that bothers me. Not him, not me…the anxiety.  I don’t want that eggshell feeling again.   It bothers me that someone I do not know from Adam is bringing forth vulnerability in me.  I do not know him.  I am never going to “know” him.  Nor am I the kind of person who goes and seeks their love interest.

I think I’m going to quit the group too. I really can’t afford to get attached—to pixels on a screen– and it’s quite pathetic to grow some affection for someone on the East Coast.   I don’t know why I do it.  It’s a compulsion for me.   It’s not safer, really,  only gives the illusion of safety.

I sense a potential problem and I’m going to nip it in the bud.    Maybe a hidden part of me does want something from him.   Maybe I’m lying to myself.  Maybe I took the flirting too seriously, maybe…  I did. Maybe I let myself be too visible to him. Maybe I let myself be too intimate with him and all this panic is a warning.

I’m so messed up.