By sucky, I mean good.  That’s what vampires are supposed to do, right?  Suck?  So the opposite of that would be unsucky. That, by my new definition, means that a sucky vampire movie is excellent, two fangs up if you are into that, and an unsucky one is bad, a sacriliege of vampiredom.   The movies listed before are in order, from MY favorite to my least favorite…still a good movie, but not quite up to snuff.  I have judged each movie on their beauty, the actors’ skill at portraying their characters, what they add to the mythos of the vampire…that kind of thing. 

Unsucky movies are a combined effort of craptitude and everything that makes a movie…awful.    In the case of one movie on my unsucky list, it’s simply portraying vampires as one-sided villains.    So …enjoy my list!

Sucky

1. Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  This has to be one of the most visually stunning movies, I’ve ever seen.  The acting is wonderful, especially from Gary Oldman, and even Winona did pretty good in it.  It is lavish and seductive and incredibly romantic.  Plus, I like a few of the historical touches of the real Vlad that Francis Ford Coppola put in the movie.  The real Vlad the Impaler’s (One historical figure I am FASCINATED by) did toss herself out of the castle wall, though the reason she did that is a tad unclear. My favorite vampire movie ever.
2. Interview with the Vampire.  Tom Cruise? As Lestat?  Brad Pitt as the whiny, but handsome, vampire Louis  I could understand,  but Cruise? As Lestat? I was dubious at first, but I watched the movie.  Like the movie mentioned above, it was made with much love and attention to the book…in fact IWTV is a very good adaptation of it.  Wonderful, beautiful vamp flick.
3. Lost Boys.   Mmmmmm. A young Kiefer Sutherland. Hot. Wild. Untamable.  But also acted his ass off in this tale of vampires trying to survive in a rural setting. Lol.  No, it’s more of a tale of a young man being seduced into a tribe of uncivilized ruffians.  Yeah, like IWTV, this has some homo-erotic undertones, but it’s still a movie worth watching, especially when you want to get the bad taste of wanna-be vampires …like…say ….Robert Pattinson out of your mouth.
4. The Hamiltons.  I happen to really like this movie.  It’s a story of a family of rather disturbed siblings trying to survive.  It might not be everyone’s pint of blood, though.  I just happen to enjoy the twist.
5. The Wisdom of Crocodiles.   I’m not a big Jude Law fan, but I have to admit his acting was on par with the villian/victim of this film.  I don’t know how a villain can be a victim also, but he pulls it off.

Unsucky Vampire Movies

1. Twilight.  Who else saw that coming? Huh?  Read about 1/3 of the book before I tossed it to the ground in disgust.  So I know the movie will unsuck. Yeah, I haven’t seen it all, but I have seen enough to know that it unsucks for all eternity.
2. Dracula 3000.  If you value your sanity, do not waste your money on this piece of garbage.  It has a 1.8 rating on IMDB.  It unsucks so much, it blows.  Casper Van Dien, you should be ashamed of your hot self. Oh, and fire your agent/manager for letting you star in this.  You are capable of so much more, hottie.
3. Van Helsing.    Love Hugh Jackman.  The dude who plays Dracula,  who is obviously trying to channel Gary Oldman’s performance? Not so much.  It’s a glossy, shiny movie with lots of special effects and not much sense.  Good for a Saturday night with nothing else to do…as long as you pick it apart ala Mystery Science Fiction 3000.
4. Underworld.  Another pretty movie.  It’s not a bad movie, but it really doesn’t explore the vampires in depth, other than to make them look bad.  Lycans rule, vamps drool seems to be the motto of this flick.
5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.   The movie blew.  It sucked.  So laughably bad….  If you need to see a Buffy in action, go see the TV series, which shouldn’t even bear the name because it is so incredibly better.

Well, that’s all for now.  My hands are tired.   Comments always welcomed!

Yes, it is Friday the thirteenth. Not only that, but the new “vision” of the Jason Voorhees saga came out today also.

It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. I liked it, actually, as I didn’t go in expecting the Citizen Kane of horror movies. As per usual, it is a morality story that fundamentalists would love : Have sex, do drugs, be sinful and be chopped up by a zombie like killer with mommy issues.

There was much nudity. Much proliferate use of the word bro, and some pretty good acting from the hapless teens. Oh, and marijuana should have gotten a credit in the end title….it was mentioned. A lot. Even got some screen time as a walk on.

It was a good addition to the Jason series, really, it brought a Jason that could run (!!!) and think…He wasn’t nearly as wooden as he was in the second movie and up. (Spoiler alert: His mother was the killer in the first movie. She was loony.)

And, best of all, there were no annoying teenagers in the theater. Just a bunch of couples. A weird date movie, I’d think, but hey, they kept their yapping to a minimum.

Lots of people have complained that Marley and Me isn’t really a kids movie because the (SPOILER ALERT) dog dies.

The worse thing a parent can do is shield their kid from the inevitable fact that all life leads to death. Personally, maybe it’s better to learn it from a movie first, then in real life. Besides, Marley and Me is just a movie. Just. A. Movie.

I’ve never believed in keeping life’s secrets and truth from children. Children grow up, ask questions, and when they find out they’ve been told a lie, they begin to disbelieve. It’s better to speak the truth, albeit gently, and get the child used to their ever expanding world, both the good and bad aspects of it.

But don’t be a jerk about exposing young minds to bitter truths. Be thoughtful about it. But don’t be cruel.

It’s important to learn about death, just as much as it is to learn about life.

I’m going to keep this review short because I don’t trust myself not to accidentally “say” something…

I thought the new Batman movie was great, though it should have been The Psychotic Clown. Really, Heath stole the show. His mania filled the screen and made his presence just pop. Bale seemed a little dull compared to him, but that’s the nature of the Batman. He’s not a very excitable character. Ol’ Bats is compelling, but his character is not as vivid as a certain purple and green clothed villian.

And let’s face it, we’re all fascinated by crazy, fictional characters. The crazier, the better. And brother, you don’t get nuttier than The Joker.

Go see it. But be prepared to pay attention. It’s a multi-layered film and can be a little confusing if you miss a detail. It’s a great movie, though.

So I just saw The Incredible Hulk…and loved it. It was a fun escape from the toils and tribulations of this workaday world.

It’s completely different from Ang Lee’s version–Ang Lee tried to present a more cerebral vision of the brawny green giant and that didn’t exactly pan out. I guess one shouldn’t overthink a character that loves to say, “Hulk SMASH!” That movie, despite its flaws, was beautifully crafted.

This reincarnation of the Hulk is much more in line with America’s fast paced ideas of how a movie should be.

There were plenty of ex-plo-see-ions and a wee bit of romance. Liv Tyler, gorgeous despite her father’s genes, was under utilized and the believability of her character was wilted with lines like: “Don’t do it, Dad.” Maybe her character was supposed to be ineffectual, or maybe I’m just used to spunkier heroines.

The CGI was wonderful. I could see every single pore on the Hulk’s spinach (mmmm….spinach) skin. The expressions, mostly varying degrees of rage but a few sad/tired ones as well, were extremely well detailed. The acting was great as well; Edward Norton pulled off Banner quite nicely. Tim Roth and William Hurt made me really not like their characters, so I suppose they did their jobs.

A few downsides? Well, a couple of the scenes felt cut off too soon, and I was hoping for a certain cameo (Captain America) that I had heard about, but it got cut from the movie. Darn it.

All in all, The Incredible Hulk is a fan-frickin-tastic movie. I liked Iron Man better, but this is definitely one movie that I’ll add to my DVD collection. Provided our economy–and civilization–is still around in a few months.

Sweeney Todd + Tim Burton = homicidal awesomeness.  Yeah, I borrowed that word from the ISB.** What’s that blogger gonna do to me? Give me paper cuts from horrible, outdated, misogynistic comic books? I kid, I kid.

In truth, there IS a hero in this movie, but it ain’t Sweeney. Duh, I know.  And it ain’t Mrs. Lovett with her lovely meat pies… It’s the orphan that Mrs. Lovett takes in. Ooops. I’ve already said too much. 

I do feel a certain amount of sympathy for the titular character, but  he may have gone a little overboard with the killing and the singing whilst elbow deep in blood. (Obviously fake.  Real blood is darker, especially coming from an artery.***

Yes. This is a musical. With blood. Lots of arterial spray all over the place.   I guess that means even manly men can watch and enjoy the spectacle of this movie. It’s bloodier than I expected, and even darker than most of Burton’s films, but it is a good film.

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**If you are a comics fan, this blog is a daily MUST read.

***Don’t ask me how I know. I’ll have to show you! I joke.  (As far as YOU know.)

So the author is an atheist writing childrens’ books. I notice no one really objects that several Christian authors put some theology in their fantasy fiction. Anyhow, big whoopin’ deal. To be honest, a lot of kids are exposed to all sorts of different ideas in school, so they’ve already been “opened” to atheism. I read it and it’s a simple novel, but nothing to bunch up anyone’s underwear. Hell, even watching the news, or reading the paper, at night is enough to make anyone question their faith.

There are some movies I’m going to see over the next few weeks:

Please don’t ruin this classic movie for me by remaking it. What movie, you ask?  The powers that be have decided it would be a wise move to redo The Day The Earth Stood Still.

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Ok, so I never really liked TDTESS, but I recognize it as a good classic movie.  Hey, just because I dislike something doesn’t mean it is bad.

Guess who’ve they got playing Klaatu? (He’s the alien.)  Keanu Reeves. That could work, since he’s the master of “non-acting” acting.    He’s hot, he was great in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but his acting is generally wooden and unexciting.

Hollywood already ruined War of the Worlds by reinventing it, they don’t need to wreck this film!

Yeah, I got to see the Simpsons movie yesterday. Finally. To my dismay, the movie theater was packed. (Did I mention I don’t like throngs of people?) Noisy boys geeks sitting just behind me, well behaved kids in front of me (Ye Gods, why would anyone let an eight year old watch a PG-13 movie? I love the Simpsons, but I don’t think I’d let any kid in my care watch it. It’s way too sophisticated.)

It was funny. Really funny, intermixed with a important message or two. Gorgeous animation. Homer getting hurt. A lot. Bart—ok, Bart was a little too “exposed” with not enough screen time….but that’s ok. Next movie, more Bart. You hear me, Matt Groening? I want Bart by the barrell full.I think they got away with more antics (i.e bad parenting on the roof) than they would have on the TV show–and I liked it. Yet it had some of the heart that the older shows had–and which I miss. Desperately.

The Simpsons movie was so worth waiting for! I loved it; I thought it was the best movie I’ve seen all summer.