I feel so much, like my skin is a-tingle. I feel alive. I love it. I have low times, rare, but they are there. Mostly, I’m in a good mood. Sometimes, I just feel so blessed and so happy, I want to explode.

I hope that this “high” isn’t a sign of something worse, lurking under the surface, of some inherited monster. Bi-polar and schizophrenia. Apparently mental illnesses/disorders run in my mother’s family.

Sometimes I wonder if I am sick. Then I realize that by thinking that, I’m not. Crazy people generally don’t worry if they’re crazy. I’m sane, but slightly neurotic. I have Trichotillomania, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PSTD…. So yeah, I’m differently abled when it comes to socializing and being normal. (And my former psychatrist didn’t think I had it. That was a relief.)

By being open and talking about what is bothering me, I find that I’m not so alone and that I can help other people accept their differences. Sharing my experiences isn’t entirely altruistic of me, as I gain a sense of community and fellowship. In other words, I get validation and acceptance. What I’ve found is that it’s ok to have some neuroses, it’s ok to feel lost and alone as long as you realize there are other people wanting to help you, that you don’t have to suffer in silence. That you can make a change in your life for the positive, that you don’t have to remain shackled to the past.

That you (and I) deserve love as much as anyone else. We deserve life and everything good that comes along with it. Bad times just serve to make us stronger and better people.

Cubicles are reflections of the people that dwell within. Some have nothing personal in them, and some are full of Simpson and X-Men toys figurines. (Hey, how did ya figure out that last one was mine?) Here’s a couple of interpretations of the personalities that have been forced to occupy a cubicle:

Bare Bones:

This person does not want to share any interests with their co-workers. They prefer to keep everything to themselves. They aren’t necessarily bad people, just rather stand offish…they aren’t looking to make friends around the office.

Lots of Family/Friend Photos:

These people are very family oriented; they care about others. They tend to be gregarious and out-going. They take pleasure in connecting with people.

Pop Culture Cubes:

These folks are making a statement with their preferred decor; people just have to be smart enough to decipher it. A co-worker that has a Simpsons theme, let’s say, is clearly intelligent and sophisticated. With a HINT of smartassery. But not too much. They make interesting co-workers. (Heh. Totally unbiased opinion.)

Messy Cubes:

Clutter is a sign of a disorganized mind. (I should know, my mind is slightly disorganized!) They usually are pretty friendly, but sometimes it takes them awhile to find what they are looking for, which can be frustrating.

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sorry that I haven’t posting as much lately, but I have been mega busy. Well, I’ve either been really busy or in a bleh state of mind.

Music lifts me up, oils the gears of my creativity. No matter how I may feel, music will release the words within me, so that I may let them grace the monitor. Or paper. Or whatever happens to be handy.

I don’t know how music is with anyone else, but there is a raw power to it; a potent mixture of sound and thought and poetry. Music preference is highly personal; I prefer a little bit of everything. I like Disturbed, but I also like Bluegrass. I love music that is angry, sad, depressing…. every emotion under and over the sun.

My favorite music is whatever speaks to my soul and what I can relate to.

It keeps me on track at work, I have been known to drown in the music, becoming one with my work…to the point where work is all I can see. It helps me harness into enery to work out. There is nothing better than listening to Korn or Tom Petty as I kick the treadmill’s hiney.

I love music. It improves my life in so many ways.

I love music almost as much as writing. Both are in my blood, my mind, my soul.

That might be the Irish in me!

Lots of people have complained that Marley and Me isn’t really a kids movie because the (SPOILER ALERT) dog dies.

The worse thing a parent can do is shield their kid from the inevitable fact that all life leads to death. Personally, maybe it’s better to learn it from a movie first, then in real life. Besides, Marley and Me is just a movie. Just. A. Movie.

I’ve never believed in keeping life’s secrets and truth from children. Children grow up, ask questions, and when they find out they’ve been told a lie, they begin to disbelieve. It’s better to speak the truth, albeit gently, and get the child used to their ever expanding world, both the good and bad aspects of it.

But don’t be a jerk about exposing young minds to bitter truths. Be thoughtful about it. But don’t be cruel.

It’s important to learn about death, just as much as it is to learn about life.

Some songs are just so bittersweet and beautiful that they make you want to cry. Note: By you, I mean me.

This is one of them. It has some truth to it also, mainly the line: I thought love was black or white, either it was wrong or it was right.  Maybe love can be both wrong and right.  Or neither.

In my limited experience, I’ve noticed love isn’t black or white, all or nothing. It’s in shades of gray. It’s in the shades of give and take, the art of compromise. It’s about being firm in one’s identity but able to melt in the intimacy of sharing.

Enjoy the song! And add your thoughts if you like!

Girl: Oh my gosh. We had such a good date! I clicked with him instantly. He said he’d call. (Squeal of glee.)

Guy: She seems like a cool chick. I’ll probably call her in a few days.

Girl: I wonder why he hasn’t called yet. It’s been 3 hours. Does he have a girlfriend? Did he lie to me just to get to first base?

Guy: Time to have some brewskies with my bros!

Girl: It’s been 24 hours. He doesn’t like me! Did I just imagine our chemistry? Did he meet someone better?

Guy: (Groans) I had way too many beers…..

Girl: Maybe I should call Sheryl…she knows everything about men.

Guy: Hmm. I think I’ll call that girl tomorrow. Maybe we can go hang out at a bar or see a movie.

Girl: (Sniffs) There must be something wrong with me! It’s been three days and no phone call.

(Phone rings)

Guy: Hey, wanna go see a movie? Or get a beer at the Pirates’ Cove?

Girl: Sure! (Secretly harboring resentment at him not calling earlier.)

That conversation is a generalization, I know, but I did it to illustrate the social differences between gals and fellas. I’ll start with the ladies.

First of all, *most* women like to know where they stand with potential mates, we need to know whether or not he is going to be worth the investment in time. Women, at least the ones I know and that includes me, tend to be VERY territorial, especially around their male friends, even if they are in a relationship.That’s a very primal part of us. It also drives us to looking good, always perfecting what we have in order to attract a mate.

The beginning of a possibly romantic friendship is always fraught with danger; a lady can easily scare away a good partner. Neediness isn’t attractive to a man and most men see that behavior as “needy”. Yet, I think most women aren’t needy. As I’ve said before, women just like to know where they stand. We internalize too much; In short, we over analyze every little detail to death.

We see actions, or lack thereof, as rejection far too often. I’m guilty of that and of being needy as well. I’ve scared off many a person with being intense—I’ve always wanted to be loved so badly and I know I’m not the only woman like that.

I’ve always believed men are by far the gentler sex. I prefer their, “take things as they come” outlook on life. It would a nice way to live…if I could calm the thoughts that pop up to disturb that mental tranquility.

I’ve noticed a lot of guys saying, “I’ll call you.” and never call back. That is exceptionally frustrating to women. I realize that guys don’t really want to hurt women, but being tactfully honest is a better way to go. If a woman isn’t a guy’s particular cup of tea, do NOT say, I’ll call you. Just say, “Let’s be friends and see where it goes.”

“I’ll call you”, generates interest and hope that this first date could turn into something special. I believe society places too much emphasis is put on finding that “someone”. Sure, relationships are good. If they happen organically.

So…ladies, take life and love easy. Don’t worry if he neglects calling you. It wasn’t meant to be.

Guys, man up and gently guide her thinking into that of becoming friends, if you find you are unattracted to her. Don’t promise to call then disappear.

As for me, I’m asexual and don’t need to date. Seriously, I have no interest in dating and I am happy to remain celibate. I guess I’m getting set in my ways.

Well…not those blogs that write reviews for products, without adding any personal “ummph” to the mix. (Sir Jorge is an exception.) Those blogs are heartless and soulless cyber space fillers. I don’t like them and my eyes glaze over whenever I run across them. Here’s a helpful note from me: If you’re going to hock a product, please do it in a entertaining way.

I’m cruising BlogMad even as I type this out and I enjoy reading WELL written blogs. However, some of them make me want to say, “Go take some English classes and learn how to a) Spell and b) Learn how to construct a sentence properly. I’m all for creating unusual sentences, but I prefer to understand what is being discussed. I don’t want to be a meanie, but please! For everyone who is intelligent and sane, if you have something to say, say it coherently!

It astounds me that there are so many people coming from so many backgrounds. Most of them do have a story to tell, sometimes it’s fuzzy and unclear, but some of them are bright and sharp and intriguing. Some of them, I just can’t get into—what they have to say doesn’t compel me. Sad, but true. Some make me mad with their rants against people who can’t help being who they are. Sorry, but “praying away the gay” doesn’t work. Still others make me sad; either they are dying of cancer or struggling with inner demons that threaten to overwhelm them.   I want to help, but right now, I’m having trouble helping myself!

Despite my misgiving with the Christian religion, (Actually, I fault individuals, not the whole faith as a whole.) I throughly relish blogs like Ask Sister Mary Martha and Deb’s. Because they are GOOD blogs and have content that make me think and dare to believe that I can hope again. Well, and maybe come to a resolution about my lack of faith. I think my faith is still there, although it is buried by all the idealogical garbage that some Christians want to impose on everyone.

In all my years of blog wandering, I’ve found that most personal blogs DO have an unique insight to offer. There IS something human about most blogs that intrigues me. I may not agree with them, but this is still America, right?

Oh, and to all of you that come by my blog? Thanks for hearing what I have to say!

~OR~ Reason number 23,909 Why I’m Not Married.
 
(I’m too darn opinionated!)
 
Ahhhh. An industry where “perfection” rules, giving our society a shining example of what people should look like if they want to be accepted, loved and adored. We see examples of cosmetically appealing bodies and we compare what we have to what the “beautiful” ones have to offer–and we come up short.

No wonder so many overweight people feel isolated and sub-human. Thanks, society, for helping us feel slug-like and grotesque in our own skins.
 
Even normal people have image problems, fed to them by beauty/fitness magazines, billboard advertisements with Shiny Happy People smiling down upon the ordinary (and therefore not as worthwhile) people as they rush to their 9 to 5 job. Men with receding hairlines are pushed to purchase all sorts of hair restorative products. Women are pushed toward make-up and diet products, anything that promotes attractiveness and availablity to the opposite sex. Cause attracting a mate is so important. [Insert rolling eyes here.]
 
The overweight populace is the last bastion for cruel jokesters everywhere. Need a uneducated slob for a movie? Cast a fat guy. Need comedic relief? Cast a fattie and make them a living joke.
 
Here’s some factoids about fat people: (according to movies)

• The only way a fat lady can get a man is to ambush and sit on him.
• Fat people can be readily laughed at because their emotions are protected by a layer of blubber.
• An obese man can be the life of a party if you get him liquored up.
• Plump ladies are only entitled to ugly, trollish men.

C’mon. You know you’ve seen those tired old scenarios played out in movies.

I’m rather tired of it.
 
I’m also rather tired of my big frame. Yeah, I’m 250 lbs and wear a size 26—and have big boobs that try to smother me while I sleep. Thank goodness for them, though, they help balance out my body, giving me a bit of curve. That’s a picture of me down there. See? Morbid obesity can be cute!
 

I know it’s not healthy to be that “substantial”. But neither is it healthy to force your body into a certain mold. Honestly, most women should be about a size ten. Trying to determine a weight can be tricky; it all depends on genetics and other complicated subjects I’m not qualified to discuss.

I think it’s better to find a weight that is both healthy and live-in-able.  Find good health, not some number on a scale.

Good Luck!  And if anyone tells you to be a certain weight, kick ‘em in the nads.

Writing?  I believe in writing what I’m passionate about.

Here’s what is currently setting my brain all aflame:

The Punisher (I’m in a RPG and I am playing around with the contrast of his grimness and Rogue’s feistiness.) I don’t know exactly why, but I love to play with black and white ideologies, cynism and hope, despair and love.

• Undead cowboys with a sharp tongue.
• Mute telepathic ninja nuns.
• Angelic six-shooters.
• And other things that would make Christian fundies burn me as a witch.  Someone get the kerosene!

A neurotic woman who lost her love but is determined to get him back ala Orpheus.

The ideas in the bullet points are all in the same sordid story.  It’s about a young man who can’t die, no matter how badly he gets shot or stabbed.  He’s wondering about his existence and also can’t shake a woman named Desire from his trail.  I know, I KNOW that Christian groups everywhere would be upset at my rather sacrilegious name for the villains of my tale, so I won’t say it here.

The whole concept of the above idea wouldn’t be to tear down religion, but to put forth the notion that it is ok to question religion in order to find true faith.

Nothing wrong with that.

(Yes, I know I’d try to keep things light-hearted, but yesterday I read a blog by a true whackjob who identifies herself as Christian….I left one comment saying there are more important issues than abortion to worry about like hunger…and she just laughed it off and called me brainless77. I’m not going to link to her, because her outlook on life is garbage. Complete, utter garbage. And I refuse to let her comment on this post. )

The quality that disturbs me most about fanatical pro-life people is that they only see abortion as a major threat to children. They don’t see hunger or abuse, they just see that if abortion is made illegal, everything will come up roses.

I’m not here to say that women that are “forced” to have a child will be resentful and take it out on the child. Or that the population will explode, making life harder in general for everyone. Or say the kids adopted out will have to deal with conflicting emotions….like “Why didn’t she want me?”

The poor will have to work even harder to feed their own.

Raped women will have to look at their child and remember.

I realize there are going to be shades of gray, most sane people will find a way to love the child. But there are a lot of insane people having children when they really shouldn’t be.

If abortion were to be made illegal, there is no way every child could be adopted. Not with other options like in vitro, which I think is rather odd that the pro-lifers do not object to it…..after all, it is playing God.

It’s biologically understandable to not want abortion. Abortion is a damaging thing, psychologically and physically. We’re designed to protect vulnerable children, because of so many children dying in the past. But, medical breakthroughs have been developed to prevent the loss of so many innocent lives. Thus, there is a serious population problem.

We need birth control, pronto. We need to realize that abortion is not birth control; it is a procedure that should be employed only in medical emergencies. We need to get educated on sex and options available

We need to stem the problems that cause abortion: poverty, lack of familial support. We need to worry about everyone getting fed, loved and cared for properly. THEN we can worry about abortion….but after all that is taken care of, well, there will be no more need for it.