Category Archives: I’m not CRAZY!

Band Days

I vaguely remember my high school years..well, I remember them pretty well actually. I have an excellent memory when it suits me.  And as of this moment, it suits me like a wetsuit, which, if I actually wore one, would show off my walrus-like physicque.

Anyone that knows me, KNOWS how painfully shy I am.  A good part of it is due to high school.  I was shy for a damned good reason;  to keep myself off the radar of bullies.  Again, anyone who was my friend in high school knows that I was a popular target.  I could never conform to people’s expectations.  Nor did I want to. And to be honest, I had a dur face going on.  So I kept to myself and to a loyal table of misfits.  Dustin, Dave Connor–who helped me open my ketchup packets because I was a wuss–and a few others.  We were the misfits of high school, the ones that weren’t smart or pretty enough to fit in a particular cliche.  Pretty much, the lunch version of the Breakfast Club.

Only I was the fat, socially maladjusted one.  The person who made a pitiful attempt at fitting in every once in awhile..to fall flat on my fanny.

Then there was Band.  The one area I did ok in,  other than English and Literature, although I could not read music worth a lick.  I had a good ear for it, and had nearly perfect pitch—but I had a peculiar inabilty to read the notes.  Still, I skipped out on the final exams where I had to play a solo in front of Mr. Band Teacher–I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to find the courage to reveal just how bad at interpreting .  But he passed me.  I got A’s throughout my time there.   Talk about getting a good grade that I really didn’t merit getting.  Maybe the teacher felt sorry for me.

I’ve got more stories to tell about band, but that will have to keep.  The Tylenol PM that I took is starting to do its thang and I am drifting off to slumber…

Trich

Yeah, I have this (my case isn’t as extreme as others, but I DO have it)and I’m trying really hard not to give in to those urges, even as I’m plucking out a stray hair that needs to go because its very existence bugs me.   I tell my self not to do it, but …I just do.  Trichotillomania sucks and I’m continuing to battle it by myself as I can’t afford to see a psychatrist. 

It’s pretty much constrained to my eyelashes and scalp.  I don’t do my eyebrows as much. I used to yank them all out. Compulsively.  But I’m doing better.  I’m a strong person, really. 

My therapy consists of keeping my hands busy as much (writing or video gaming or texting) as possible and avoiding negative family members as that puts a lot of stress on me.

(Reason number 11,858 why I am doomed for spinsterhood.)

Planning A Trip

So I’m planning a trip to go see my friend in …well… on the East Coast. I decided that I need to meet him, to realize any fears about him (at worst) or to discover if there is any true chemistry. (That’s the best outcome.)

Don’t worry. I’m going to play it safe, though I am tired of having a ‘safe’ life, afraid to risk my heart and feelings. Even if everything else is a complete wash and we end up only as friends, finding the willingness to step outside of my comfort zone will be worth the monetary price of flying across the country.

It will be worth it. I guess my main fear is the unknown. Afraid that I’ll feel for him, but he won’t. The “chemistry” has been there between us for nearly a year, from the instant that we “talked”. Silly, I know, but it’s there. We really do care about each other’s feelings. It’s great to connect to someone. (And to think I almost let my fears take over.) I no longer feel that sort of nervous excitement; I just experience calm and serenity. Well, ok, I want to smooch his face off too, but I am NOT afraid of him hurting me.

But I really am ready. I know it. And…with one click! The tickets to go there have been booked.

Vlog for the Day

Five Best Movie Fights

In my not-so-humble opinion! Also, in no particular order.

1. Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Maul. Probably the best thing about Phantom Menace. Ray Park made that fight with his awesome aerobatics and with his intense body movements. He didn’t need to talk; he let his lightsaber do it for him!

2. Jason vs Freddy. I actually liked the part toward the end-ish where Jason had broken free and went after Freddy’s burnt butt. Pretty savage stuff. Personally, I think the Wolverine/Sabertooth fights should have had that edge.

3. Ash vs Own Hand in Evil Dead 2. So…he’s in the middle of the woods with a bunch of demons. Evil bites him in the hand, so what is a man supposed to do? He cuts off his own hand. But it takes on a life of its own. With hilarious and gory results!

4. The Bride and O-Ren Ishii (Kill Bill). Women. Swords. Blood. Lucy Liu almost getting scalped. What’s not to like? (Hey, I’m a blood thirsty soul.)

5. Bruce Lee vs Anyone. Here is an awesome man with so much potential, it really was/is a shame that he left us when he did. I couldn’t narrow it down to one scene, so I included them all.

My blog, my rules. 🙂

Yippee Kay Yay Mudder Fu–

Friend…out of hospital. Yes!

We’ll worry about paying rent and getting food later .And medicine? Who needs that?

I am irked by friends who are telling us about the terrific vacations they’ll get to go on. Why, do you ask? Because we’re having a tough time finding our next meal, let alone pay for our rent and our utilities.

There’s a part of me that is frustrated by that, because I know the money spent on having fun could be used to help pay rent for some family or put food on the table. And it’s used to have fun? Maybe I’m being bitter, but I don’t see how a friend–who knows that we are having a difficult go of it– would brag about … Well, I don’t think the individual is rubbing it in our faces, but rather is sort of being thoughtless. Still…either way…it pisses me off.

I don’t know. Maybe I am bitter. Maybe I’m being driven to it by circumstances that are within my control. My emotions are mine to do with as I will, and right now, I feel like yelling at people who waste money on what I think are extravagances. I’m busy trying to live and someone can go pussyfoot in Italy.

Whoop-de-fricking-do.

Anxiety? What Anxiety? Someone likes Me?

I think I know what’s triggering all this anxiety; being found attractive and being attracted to someone.   I have to find a way to disarm the anxiety.  I have to find a way to please myself and not worry about other people.  It would be wonderful to be emotionally mature and be able to do the give and take that normal, loving people do.  I am trying, I swear to God, I am. 

It’s always been easy for people to take advantage of me by saying, “If you don’t do this or that for me, I won’t be your friend.”  I have yearned for acceptance and love my whole life, so I compromised and did it.   Over and over again. I just didn’t want to lose any friends.   As I grew older, I said “Screw it! I don’t want people in my life.”

I want to please people so that they’ll like me and not abandon me.  Remember that about me. It’ll be very important later on.

Yeah, I know. I’m not the only person that’s been chewed up and spit out like a used piece of gum.   People react in different ways.  Mine is withdrawing into a shell until I feel as if I can deal with the issue. Other people get mad.  To each their own.

Not suitable for minors….

 

 

 

 

 

 

jeanlogan1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This is why Psych Testing is needed…

For prospective parents.  The “man” makes you go through testing to drive a car.  Why not get tested before being able to be in charge of nurturing a life?

Octu-mom, I’m sorry, needs some psych help and to have her kids taken away. And the fertility doctor should be investigated.  If not have his license taken away or suspended. 

Actually, I’m not sorry. There is no way she can afford to take for fourteen children, emotionally and financially. It’s just not possible for one (Ok, two…counting her mother) person to care for so many young children.

It’s a sad situation, all the way around. Hey, I understand wanting a baby, but in a interview, she made it sound like having children filled something in her. That’s NO reason to have children. At least my cousin, who has ten of her own, can feed and shelter them with no public assistance.

Start rant: TO ALL THE PEOPLE ON WELFARE; STOP HAVING CHILDREN. GO GET A SHOT, OR THE PILL, OR STOP HAVING RELATIONS. STOP POPPING OUT CHILDREN THAT LIVE IN POVERTY. BE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. End rant.

Before I go off the deep end, I’ll close this post with an appropriate quote: There’s too many people making too many problems…and not enough love to go around.

Yes, it’s from a song. Betcha can’t guess which one.

 

Back!

I’m back. You may all rejoice. 😀 The swelling in my ankles has gone down….since I re-cut back on my soda intake. (I’d been drinking tea and non soda beverages…but the Soda Monkey jumped on my back again.) Which means I feel better and am less moody.

That’s a good thing for anyone who lives with me. Grumpy Randi = Bad Randi.

My birthday is next Saturday, March 7th. I’m the big 3-4. Not old, but not a spring chicken. So I guess this would be a good time for reflection… (March 5th will mark my sixth year of blogging. Sixth!)

I feel as if I have made improvements in my life.

I realize that I want to be healthy.

I found out that I do like most of me.

Life is WORTH living…and living well. If I could make people believe, it would be that.

People are not as hurtful as I once thought they were.

Kindness and goodness still flourish in people

I’ve also learned that religious people can have both common sense and a sense of humor, which is refreshing. It also makes it easier to relate to them. (Such as my favorite…Sister Mary Martha. You don’t have to be a Catholic to like her writing or point of view.)

I still have weird dreams of being a nun, not every night, mind you, but every once in a blue moon. I don’t think it’s a call to become Catholic, but rather to be more spiritual. I have my belief system..which is neglected due to a lack of lazitude,

Bad me. Bad, bad me.

I’m back and ready to rock the blogging world.