Category Archives: Neurotic Nonsense

Replay Buffet: Girl vs. Boy World

(Originally published a few years ago, but good enough for my new readers to enjoy.)

Girl: Oh my gosh. We had such a good date! I clicked with him instantly. He said he’d call. (Squeal of glee.)

Guy: She seems like a cool chick. I’ll probably call her in a few days.

Girl: I wonder why he hasn’t called yet. It’s been 3 hours. Does he have a girlfriend? Did he lie to me just to get to first base?

Guy: Time to have some brewskies with my bros!

Girl: It’s been 24 hours. He doesn’t like me! Did I just imagine our chemistry? Did he meet someone better?

Guy: (Groans) I had way too many beers…..

Girl: Maybe I should call Sheryl…she knows everything about men.

Guy: Hmm. I think I’ll call that girl tomorrow. Maybe we can go hang out at a bar or see a movie.

Girl: (Sniffs) There must be something wrong with me! It’s been three days and no phone call.

(Phone rings)

Guy: Hey, wanna go see a movie? Or get a beer at the Pirates’ Cove?

Girl: Sure! (Secretly harboring resentment at him not calling earlier.)

That conversation is a generalization, I know, but I did it to illustrate the social differences between gals and fellas. I’ll start with the ladies.

First of all, *most* women like to know where they stand with potential mates, we need to know whether or not he is going to be worth the investment in time. Women, at least the ones I know and that includes me, tend to be VERY territorial, especially around their male friends, even if they are in a relationship.That’s a very primal part of us. It also drives us to looking good, always perfecting what we have in order to attract a mate.

The beginning of a possibly romantic friendship is always fraught with danger; a lady can easily scare away a good partner. Neediness isn’t attractive to a man and most men see that behavior as “needy”. Yet, I think most women aren’t needy. As I’ve said before, women just like to know where they stand. We internalize too much; In short, we over analyze every little detail to death. We see actions, or lack thereof, as rejection far too often.

I’m guilty of that and of being needy as well. I’ve scared off many a person with being intense—I’ve always wanted to be loved so badly and I know I’m not the only woman like that. I’ve always believed men are by far the gentler sex. I prefer their, “take things as they come” outlook on life.

It would be a nice way to live…if I could calm the thoughts that pop up to disturb that mental tranquility. I’ve noticed a lot of guys saying, “I’ll call you.” and never call back. That is exceptionally frustrating to women. I realize that guys don’t really want to hurt women, but being tactfully honest is a better way to go. If a woman isn’t a guy’s particular cup of tea, do NOT say, I’ll call you. Just say, “Let’s be friends and see where it goes.”

“I’ll call you”, generates interest and hope that this first date could turn into something special. I believe society places too much emphasis is put on finding that “someone”. Sure, relationships are good. If they happen organically. So…ladies, take life and love easy. Don’t worry if he neglects calling you. It wasn’t meant to be. Guys, man up and gently guide her thinking into that of becoming friends, if you find you are unattracted to her. Don’t promise to call then disappear.

As for me, I’m happily dating. Perhaps even engaged, but I am certainly off the market. Thank goodness.

Band Days

I vaguely remember my high school years..well, I remember them pretty well actually. I have an excellent memory when it suits me.  And as of this moment, it suits me like a wetsuit, which, if I actually wore one, would show off my walrus-like physicque.

Anyone that knows me, KNOWS how painfully shy I am.  A good part of it is due to high school.  I was shy for a damned good reason;  to keep myself off the radar of bullies.  Again, anyone who was my friend in high school knows that I was a popular target.  I could never conform to people’s expectations.  Nor did I want to. And to be honest, I had a dur face going on.  So I kept to myself and to a loyal table of misfits.  Dustin, Dave Connor–who helped me open my ketchup packets because I was a wuss–and a few others.  We were the misfits of high school, the ones that weren’t smart or pretty enough to fit in a particular cliche.  Pretty much, the lunch version of the Breakfast Club.

Only I was the fat, socially maladjusted one.  The person who made a pitiful attempt at fitting in every once in awhile..to fall flat on my fanny.

Then there was Band.  The one area I did ok in,  other than English and Literature, although I could not read music worth a lick.  I had a good ear for it, and had nearly perfect pitch—but I had a peculiar inabilty to read the notes.  Still, I skipped out on the final exams where I had to play a solo in front of Mr. Band Teacher–I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to find the courage to reveal just how bad at interpreting .  But he passed me.  I got A’s throughout my time there.   Talk about getting a good grade that I really didn’t merit getting.  Maybe the teacher felt sorry for me.

I’ve got more stories to tell about band, but that will have to keep.  The Tylenol PM that I took is starting to do its thang and I am drifting off to slumber…

Trich

Yeah, I have this (my case isn’t as extreme as others, but I DO have it)and I’m trying really hard not to give in to those urges, even as I’m plucking out a stray hair that needs to go because its very existence bugs me.   I tell my self not to do it, but …I just do.  Trichotillomania sucks and I’m continuing to battle it by myself as I can’t afford to see a psychatrist. 

It’s pretty much constrained to my eyelashes and scalp.  I don’t do my eyebrows as much. I used to yank them all out. Compulsively.  But I’m doing better.  I’m a strong person, really. 

My therapy consists of keeping my hands busy as much (writing or video gaming or texting) as possible and avoiding negative family members as that puts a lot of stress on me.

(Reason number 11,858 why I am doomed for spinsterhood.)

Merry X-mas!

I’m discovering as I get older, that getting presents isn’t a big deal. I’d much rather go out and buy what I need or want, rather than hope other people will get it for me. Also, I would prefer people to spend money on themselves, on what they need. However, I do like spending money on other people. I’m not a Scrooge by any means.

However, as a diabetic, I’m questioning the gift choices my parents gave me. A box of sugar-free chocolate and a HUGE tray of sugar laden cookies. What the —-? Those I will have to parcel out for…oh, I don’t know…the next year. They’re very good but very BAD for me. So I packaged them up in two’s and three’s, and shoved the baggies of sugar bombs into my freezer.

If it’s the thought that counts, what does the thought say about the tray of goodies that could hurt me if I ate too many of them? Hmmm. My folks care about me, I know that, but still. Not wise, and almost MEAN to give me all that sugar.  Kind of makes me think.

Enjoy the video!

Stranger Inside

Have you ever felt lost inside so unloved within that you almost die? —Shinedown, Stranger Inside

I listened to that at work today, and it resonated inside my brainpan as depressing lyrics often do. That struck a chord in me because that was true for me for a long time. I felt unloved when I looked in a mirror. I felt unloved with my own family. I felt unloved in my own skin…and it was killing me from the inside.

I guess one day I woke up and realized my self doubts were not just bringing me down, they were like vines, clinging and choking me until I didn’t know which way was up. I thought my self esteem would always be low, that I would never amount to anything other than a waste of space.

I was wrong. I was also wrong about once it got to a point where it was good, that it would always be good. I was mega wrong about that. For me, it’s a constant battle. I have to continously monitor against negativity. I mean continously, too. It is easier to just lay down and let the negative thoughts aka “demons” swarm over me.

Let me tell you, I’m not the kind of person who does things the easy. Just ask my roommate.

Anxiety? What Anxiety? Someone likes Me?

I think I know what’s triggering all this anxiety; being found attractive and being attracted to someone.   I have to find a way to disarm the anxiety.  I have to find a way to please myself and not worry about other people.  It would be wonderful to be emotionally mature and be able to do the give and take that normal, loving people do.  I am trying, I swear to God, I am. 

It’s always been easy for people to take advantage of me by saying, “If you don’t do this or that for me, I won’t be your friend.”  I have yearned for acceptance and love my whole life, so I compromised and did it.   Over and over again. I just didn’t want to lose any friends.   As I grew older, I said “Screw it! I don’t want people in my life.”

I want to please people so that they’ll like me and not abandon me.  Remember that about me. It’ll be very important later on.

Yeah, I know. I’m not the only person that’s been chewed up and spit out like a used piece of gum.   People react in different ways.  Mine is withdrawing into a shell until I feel as if I can deal with the issue. Other people get mad.  To each their own.

No More…

I decided not to IM that individual anymore.   I’m just too anxious to talk with him.  I like to talk to him, but I’m obsessing about it.   I see him post in group, but he’s not on.  Makes me wonder if he doesn’t want to or if I said something wrong….   I over think and over analyze.  I love to talk to him and I continuously worry if I’m going to make our on-line friendship go down the crapper. Let me make this clear:  I don’t want a “relationship” with him,  I just want to be his friend.  I am so worried that I’ll screw things up.  I have in the past,  two times for sure.

I know there is about a thousand reasons for him to not be on..all of them not involving me. It’s best to just not IM him anymore.  I’m not that conceited to believe he is avoiding me,  it’s the anxiety that bothers me. Not him, not me…the anxiety.  I don’t want that eggshell feeling again.   It bothers me that someone I do not know from Adam is bringing forth vulnerability in me.  I do not know him.  I am never going to “know” him.  Nor am I the kind of person who goes and seeks their love interest.

I think I’m going to quit the group too. I really can’t afford to get attached—to pixels on a screen– and it’s quite pathetic to grow some affection for someone on the East Coast.   I don’t know why I do it.  It’s a compulsion for me.   It’s not safer, really,  only gives the illusion of safety.

I sense a potential problem and I’m going to nip it in the bud.    Maybe a hidden part of me does want something from him.   Maybe I’m lying to myself.  Maybe I took the flirting too seriously, maybe…  I did. Maybe I let myself be too visible to him. Maybe I let myself be too intimate with him and all this panic is a warning.

I’m so messed up.

 

Keep Fighting!

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.”

I like this quote. Don’t know who wrote it, or I’d give them credit, but it’s inspirational. It made me smile and think and try to regain a sense of hope.

I struggle with depression and anxiety. I am quite throughly neurotic. I do have some OCD behaviors, I am not perfect. I whine, I bitch, I go on an emotional rampage from time to time. I complain. I sink so low in my own self doubt that I can’t see the sun.

I struggle against the sense of my own inadequacies of self and talent, of being to drag out my thoughts and polish them up to offer people hope, of not being alone, of being able to connect to others. It’s hard. I kind of think of depression as a thick, vicous tarry substance that holds me immobile, while the dark thoughts keep sticking to me.

Vogue…no wait, I mean Vague

My real life, slow. My online life? Taking off. I seem to be very popular. Ok, so maybe not on this blog, but my fellow roleplayers love me. I love nerdboys; they are so sweet. No, I really do. If I ever met one in real life, we’d have conversations worth having. Like….Superman is so over-rated…and what is Comic Book Man’s real name. (Louis Lane, so I’ve heard.)

Even if they like polar bear punching or taking Silver Age comic blurbs out of context. Well, I guess that’s not sweet. That’s comedy gold, people. And I love me some comedy gold.

As far as comics, it’s sooo sooo hard to keep up on what’s going on. I’d love to buy comics, and the guilt would drive me mad if I downloaded them, but the economy going the way it’s going…well, I can’t afford to right now. So I live vicariously through people like Chris.

How sad, huh?

But other than the economy, life’s pretty good. I have about a thousand books in my house to read, I have my trusty ol’ Xbox, and of course, my computer.

And you, my reader, to torment with vague posts.

 

This is why Psych Testing is needed…

For prospective parents.  The “man” makes you go through testing to drive a car.  Why not get tested before being able to be in charge of nurturing a life?

Octu-mom, I’m sorry, needs some psych help and to have her kids taken away. And the fertility doctor should be investigated.  If not have his license taken away or suspended. 

Actually, I’m not sorry. There is no way she can afford to take for fourteen children, emotionally and financially. It’s just not possible for one (Ok, two…counting her mother) person to care for so many young children.

It’s a sad situation, all the way around. Hey, I understand wanting a baby, but in a interview, she made it sound like having children filled something in her. That’s NO reason to have children. At least my cousin, who has ten of her own, can feed and shelter them with no public assistance.

Start rant: TO ALL THE PEOPLE ON WELFARE; STOP HAVING CHILDREN. GO GET A SHOT, OR THE PILL, OR STOP HAVING RELATIONS. STOP POPPING OUT CHILDREN THAT LIVE IN POVERTY. BE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. End rant.

Before I go off the deep end, I’ll close this post with an appropriate quote: There’s too many people making too many problems…and not enough love to go around.

Yes, it’s from a song. Betcha can’t guess which one.