Category Archives: VAC

Replay Buffet

Aunt Val is my cranky alter ego who just happens to be a valkryie!  Been a long time since I’ve felt the mood for this.  Enjoy!

Dear Aunt Val,

I’m a single, fun lovin’ party girl doing the club scene. Currently, I’m not searching for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now—but I do get drinks and dinners bought for me by guys all the time. Then I meld into the crowd. I don’t talk to them and never give out my number, and my friends say that I am a tease and that it’s wrong to accept those gifts. I believe it’s ok to take advantage…I mean they are offering, aren’t they?

—Party Girl Looking For Fun Only

Dear PGLFFO,

Here’s what I hear from you: I’m so hot…blah, blah, blah… Just looking for handouts, blah, blah blah. Don’t want to get to know anyone, just use their generosity and get wasted on someone else’s dime.

It’s a good thing that there are thousands of miles between broiling-in-my-metal-brassiere me and self entitled whiny you. I just might toss you over the saddle of my pegasus, Pokey, and drop you off somewhere…say…in Rwanda. Or in the Congo.

Accepting a drink from a man indicates a willingness to open up a discussion. That’s what alcohol should be used for. Just to loosen up a little, not get toasted, mind you, but to relax a smidge. Taking a drink and cutting is a fine example of bad manners.   If you are not interested in talking, DON’T accept.  Be sincere and genuine and not be classified as a “user”.

Ask Aunt Val

This a fake (FAKE, I tell you) advice column with made up questions, written by my cranktacular alter ego, Aunt Valkyrie–who just so happens to be…well a valkyrie.  I need to shake things up on the blog, and I’m not willing to quit.  I hate quitting!

Dear Aunt Val,

I truly like and care for my boyfriend, but I don’t know why.  He’s good to me, treats me like an equal and he likes to come to me with his problems.  I just feel as if I deserve more, but I don’t want to break up with him. Help?

Yours Truly,

Sad and Young.

Hey SAY,

You do come off as sounding young.  Too emotionally young to be dating.  I’m not sure how old you are, but if I were you,  I would take some time off from the opposite (or same) sex.  I’d also advise you to spend that time developing and defining yourself for future relationships.  Find what you like in a person and don’t be afraid to admit you have faults.  Be a whole person.  Uncover hidden interests and enrich your own soul.

I’ll risk the ire of the one or two fine folks that will read my article and say: Not everyone is meant to pair up.  I mean that in the personality sense.  I don’t give a flying flip about sexual preference or race, or other superficial differences. Some people are just too hellbent on self destruction, some people are just unable to cope being with another person.  It takes strength to be in a partnership.

I say that as a warning for you, not to you.  Just a heads up on what to avoid.

As well as not being emotionally ready for dating, you do come off as sweet and caring–like you don’t want to hurt this individual.  That’s a good thing and it means you’ll be a good significant other someday….that’s some day and not now.

Good luck to you, SAY.  Stay nice.  Don’t grow bitter and wizened, like me.  I am definitely the woman mothers warn their baby boys about.

Ask Aunt Val

This a fake (FAKE, I tell you) advice column with made up questions, written by my cranktacular alter ego, Aunt Valkyrie.

Dear Aunt Val,

I like to flirt with a guy over IM. We met over Yahoogroups. I know it’s not going anywhere; it’s just a harmless little flirtation on my end. But is it ok to continue it? Am I stringing him along?

Shy To Flirt with U

Dear STFU,

(Heh)

You sound like a rather shy young lady. Flirt away with the young man and use it as a sharpening stone for real life. This could be a good opportunity to clarify some important social skills. Flirting is good and fun….and nothing to be embarrassed about. Sharpen up those skills…then venture into the real world and flirt up a storm.

But….ask yourself if you are promising him something that you can’t/won’t give. If you are…then you are stringing him along. And that’s wrong.

But don’t do what we Valkyries do when we want a man….knock one over the head and drag ’em up to Valhalla. Just kidding. Maybe.

Dear Aunt Val,

Should I invest with the stocks down?

Confused About Investing

Dear CAI,

How should I know? I’m the viking’s version of an Angel. I know nothing about investing and crap. Go ask a financial analyst…or someone like that.  Or try asking a squirrel how it saves nuts for the winter.

I’m flattered, though, that you’d think I could help with that.

Dear Aunt Val,

My blog seems to be stagnating, lost in cyber time and space. I don’t know what to do!

Dazed and Confuzzled

Dear DC,

Like any relationship, you have to find ways to keep it fresh and exciting. I suggest coming up with a fake advice column.  Sometimes, it’s a real struggle to come up with something to write.  You will fall flat on your booty, or do an epic fail.  It’s ok to not be the world’s most prolific writer, just try to find a way to communicate with a small percentage of people.

Feeling pressure kills the joy of writing.  Just take your time.

Dear Aunt Val…

This is a fake column by my alter ego, cranky “Aunt Valkyrie”. Please refrain from lodging a complaint and take this post in the spirit in which it is intended. Tongue in cheek. Anyway, I haven’t done it for awhile, thought I’d give it a go again. As always, send any questions to branwynne77@hotmail.com and I might use them for a future edition.

Dear Aunt Val,

The Catholic Church has recently OK’d the notion that it is alright to believe in extraterrestrial life. I was wondering what Valhalla’s stance on the prospect of life outside this world happened to be.

E.T Come Home.

ETCH,

Personally I believe if there IS extraterrestrial life, they are probably smart enough to take one look at this backwater burg that we call a planet…and avoid it like the plague. The BLACK Plague. But, Valhalla’s official policy, is that if there is life on other planets, our undead Viking warriors will inevitably try to conquer them.

Hey, we Vikings are an equal opportunity potential conqueror. Read the rest of this entry

Aunt Val

 Aunt Val is an entirely fake advice column. If, by chance, any of the questions do apply to you, I will not be held responsible for legal (or otherwise) difficulties that arise from taking my advice.

Dear Aunt Val,

My live-in boyfriend is having his friends over for a Super Bowl party—and he’d like me to make all the “refreshments” for the game. I’m not his slave. I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to hang around his buddies, watching a sport that I abhor, while they slowly get drunk.

Ticked Off Live-In Slave

 

Dear TOLIS,

Get in your vehicle and go to the store. Get some chips n dip. Some pizzas and pre-made sandwiches. Easy to put together stuff that the Neatherthals could eat while they make a mess of the living room.

Stay awhile, put the pizza in the oven, hide your guests’ car keys, then inform your BF that you are going to have fun on your own. Let your BF be responsible for making sure the pizza/other munchables aren’t over done.

And quit your bitching.

 

Dear Aunt Val,

I don’t know who I’d vote for: Barack or Hilary. Who would you like to see as President?

Curious Voter

 

Dear CV,

 

Hmmm. I think Hilary has had enough time in the Oval Office, don’t you? There’s a coldness about her that I don’t trust.

Barack Obama? It might make some Muslim countries think that we elected one of their own as Pres…that could be either good or bad. But I like him. He’s articulate, smart and truly seems to care—such a difference from the current administration.

Me? I think I’m going to be writing in Cthulu. Why vote for the lesser of two evils?

Val’s Advice Column — ‘Bout time

Dear Aunt Val,

What do you think of comic book movies? What about women in comics?  What do you consider to be a “good” and “bad” example?

Rabid Comic Aficionado 

Dear RCA,

I enjoy them.  I adore comic books, even if they exaggerate a woman’s figure more than those self image destroyers over at Mattel do.  They, at their best, make people both laugh and and think.  At worst, they still make people laugh–and are excellent for making us appreciate writers like Garth Ennis.

Comic books are also good time capsules on how the writers at that time saw the world; well, I must amend, in a fashion.  I guess I shouldn’t generalize; for instance, I’m sure that in real life (in the fifties and sixties) not all men treated their wives like Reed Richards did.  But comic books did eventually embrace the changing roles of women from matrimony bound to being independent and strong.  Some comic chicks spring to mind: Rogue, Wonder Woman, even Lois Lane graduated from the lovesick, marriage-mined (run, Supes, RUN) neurotic, scheming chick shrew she used to be.

Ooops…I got off track.   This old battleaxe does ramble a bit.  Sorry.

Good:  Sin City, Spiderman 1&2,  X-Men 1&2, Batman Begins. 

Bad:  Batman and Robin,  Daredevil (bleh!) and Elektra (barfity barf barf).

People might leave me hate comments about this particular movie, but I think Ang Lee’s celluloid devoted version of the Hulk is underrated.  I hated it the first time I saw it, but I watched it again when I was bored…and I admit that I ended up liking it.  I don’t know why. Read the rest of this entry

Val’s Advice Column

(Woot. Another installment from my made-up, cantankerous, alter-ego, Aunt Val.)

Sorry. I know I’m 4 days late, but I had a severe headache and all those “hair of the dog” remedies only prolonged my agony. Damn that Asgardian brew!

Word to the wise: If you find yourself at one of the holiday parties that Odin likes to throw, don’t drink from the punchbowl that Thor has been skulking around, especially when he has a mischievous look on his face.

Don’t worry, lads and lasses, I’m so going to get even with him on New Year’s. I’ve already hatched a plan involving a camera, some anonymous dead Viking dude and some of Thor’s own “Thunderbooze”.

I’m sure I can convince that poor soul that Thor is a Thorinna–with enough of that liquid ‘medicine’. I mean, Thor does have beautiful long blond locks and winsome blue eyes–¦so it shouldn’t be too difficult to fool a drunk man. Imagine two guys passed out and a camera¦and you’ll know what I’m planning. Mwah ha ha ha ha.

Hey, I don’t just get even, I get even for an entire millennium. Just one of those pictures will increase my street cred with the other valkyries substantially. Like me, they’re tired of Thor’s pompous strutting around the joint and it’s time for his ego to be taken down a notch.

Enough of my fiendish plotting, and onto the questions! Read the rest of this entry

Val’s Advice Column

Dear Val,

Do you, as a non professional writer, support the Writers’ Guild strike?

Anonymous Writer

Dear AW,

While I appreciate people pursuing the “American Dream”, I think there are more pressing issues at hand.

Gas prices. The “insane” Iranian president.  The atrocities going on in Darfur.  I may be a bitter and hardened battle axe, but there is no excuse
for what’s going on in Darfur ….even animals are more humane than those sub-humans who perpetrate such violence.  I wonder why our Prez isn’t doing anything about Darfur since he’s so “concerned” about human rights.  Oh yeah, they don’t have oil.

I’m digressing.

The writers are a bunch of overpaid, namby-pamby juveniles who aren’t content with the money they earn. A good job doing what they love. (I hope.  I know I’d give both my tits to be considered a professional writer.)

They [the writers’ guild] need to go take a look at the immigrants who eek by on their below minimum wage paychecks.  Or at the unemployment line, filled with out of work IT people.  People, I might will add, that lost their jobs to the folks over in India.

Besides, if they don’t hurry up and settle, I sense a whole SLEW of reality shows coming up.  And who wants more reality shows?  Not me.

Val’s Advice Column

Dear Val,

I broke up with the guy of my dreams six years ago–he was exciting to be around. I loved him madly.  I have since got married to a kind, caring man whom I love.  We have two children.

The ex-bf has come back into my life. He wants to whisk me off to exotic locales and take care for my children and I.

I don’t know what to do.  I remember being in love with him and how it was…  My husband’s a good man and I love him even though he isn’t quite as exciting.

Wondering About What Could Have Been
Read the rest of this entry

Val’s Advice Column

Dear Aunt Val,

Why are guys jerks? I’m about 120 pounds and my boyfriend just said I need to lose 5 or 10 pounds. Or risk losing him. Despite having gained a few pounds, I’m still cute and sexy. I’m still me.

Pissed Off at Guys

Dear POG,

Number one, guys aren’t jerks. Some people are jerks…your boyfriend is one of them. You can handle this two ways:

1) Handle it with a smart ass remark: I.e. “Ok. You gain a few more inches where it counts. Then I’ll ditch the weight.

2) Get rid of him. It seems he’s only interested in what is a socially acceptable weight. (This is my recommended idea.)

And people wonder why women end up making them sick just to fit in.