Sucky and Unsucky Vampire Movies

By sucky, I mean good.  That’s what vampires are supposed to do, right?  Suck?  So the opposite of that would be unsucky. That, by my new definition, means that a sucky vampire movie is excellent, two fangs up if you are into that, and an unsucky one is bad, a sacriliege of vampiredom.   The movies listed before are in order, from MY favorite to my least favorite…still a good movie, but not quite up to snuff.  I have judged each movie on their beauty, the actors’ skill at portraying their characters, what they add to the mythos of the vampire…that kind of thing. 

Unsucky movies are a combined effort of craptitude and everything that makes a movie…awful.    In the case of one movie on my unsucky list, it’s simply portraying vampires as one-sided villains.    So …enjoy my list!

Sucky

1. Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  This has to be one of the most visually stunning movies, I’ve ever seen.  The acting is wonderful, especially from Gary Oldman, and even Winona did pretty good in it.  It is lavish and seductive and incredibly romantic.  Plus, I like a few of the historical touches of the real Vlad that Francis Ford Coppola put in the movie.  The real Vlad the Impaler’s (One historical figure I am FASCINATED by) did toss herself out of the castle wall, though the reason she did that is a tad unclear. My favorite vampire movie ever.
2. Interview with the Vampire.  Tom Cruise? As Lestat?  Brad Pitt as the whiny, but handsome, vampire Louis  I could understand,  but Cruise? As Lestat? I was dubious at first, but I watched the movie.  Like the movie mentioned above, it was made with much love and attention to the book…in fact IWTV is a very good adaptation of it.  Wonderful, beautiful vamp flick.
3. Lost Boys.   Mmmmmm. A young Kiefer Sutherland. Hot. Wild. Untamable.  But also acted his ass off in this tale of vampires trying to survive in a rural setting. Lol.  No, it’s more of a tale of a young man being seduced into a tribe of uncivilized ruffians.  Yeah, like IWTV, this has some homo-erotic undertones, but it’s still a movie worth watching, especially when you want to get the bad taste of wanna-be vampires …like…say ….Robert Pattinson out of your mouth.
4. The Hamiltons.  I happen to really like this movie.  It’s a story of a family of rather disturbed siblings trying to survive.  It might not be everyone’s pint of blood, though.  I just happen to enjoy the twist.
5. The Wisdom of Crocodiles.   I’m not a big Jude Law fan, but I have to admit his acting was on par with the villian/victim of this film.  I don’t know how a villain can be a victim also, but he pulls it off.

Unsucky Vampire Movies

1. Twilight.  Who else saw that coming? Huh?  Read about 1/3 of the book before I tossed it to the ground in disgust.  So I know the movie will unsuck. Yeah, I haven’t seen it all, but I have seen enough to know that it unsucks for all eternity.
2. Dracula 3000.  If you value your sanity, do not waste your money on this piece of garbage.  It has a 1.8 rating on IMDB.  It unsucks so much, it blows.  Casper Van Dien, you should be ashamed of your hot self. Oh, and fire your agent/manager for letting you star in this.  You are capable of so much more, hottie.
3. Van Helsing.    Love Hugh Jackman.  The dude who plays Dracula,  who is obviously trying to channel Gary Oldman’s performance? Not so much.  It’s a glossy, shiny movie with lots of special effects and not much sense.  Good for a Saturday night with nothing else to do…as long as you pick it apart ala Mystery Science Fiction 3000.
4. Underworld.  Another pretty movie.  It’s not a bad movie, but it really doesn’t explore the vampires in depth, other than to make them look bad.  Lycans rule, vamps drool seems to be the motto of this flick.
5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.   The movie blew.  It sucked.  So laughably bad….  If you need to see a Buffy in action, go see the TV series, which shouldn’t even bear the name because it is so incredibly better.

Well, that’s all for now.  My hands are tired.   Comments always welcomed!