I have decided that I really need to try to find my mother because it is a wound that is not healing in me. I just have too many questions, too many doubts. There is too much inconsistency on why she left. Sis says Dad scared her away with a shotgun after locking my bassinet up in the closet. Dad says that he caught her doing drugs. I want her side of the story.

I wasn’t very old, between six months and a year, and I have only two pictures of her. I don’t remember her, but when I conjure her in my mind, I envision an beautiful blonde woman with a gentle smile.

I play out different scenarios in my head, to weigh the benefits (or problems)of meeting her.

Scenario A:

She slams the door in my face, refusing to acknowledge my existance.

Scenario B:

She welcomes me in, and tells me that I was a mistake from her mis-spent youth. And that she never wants to hear from me again.

[Forgive me if I don’t want to be rejected by the same person in a lifetime.]

Scenario C:

She breaks down and cries. She wants a relationship with me that I am not positive I could give her. She introduces me to my five half-siblings and they resent and/or love me.

Scenario D:

She’s on drugs still.

Scenario E:

She died.

I’m also scared about the story she might tell. What if I end up hating my father?

I spent a lot of time searching for the love that should have come from her in the wrong places and people. I never thought, in my subconscious, that I was worthy of decent people, so I looked for those that treated me like shit. Or I wanted love from those people that could/would never be able to love me in return.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am an aching abyss of need.

Maybe, though, as much as I fear being rejected, perhaps I fear being accepted even more.

Ask Aunt Val

This a fake (FAKE, I tell you) advice column with made up questions, written by my cranktacular alter ego, Aunt Valkyrie–who just so happens to be…well a valkyrie.  I need to shake things up on the blog, and I’m not willing to quit.  I hate quitting!

Dear Aunt Val,

I truly like and care for my boyfriend, but I don’t know why.  He’s good to me, treats me like an equal and he likes to come to me with his problems.  I just feel as if I deserve more, but I don’t want to break up with him. Help?

Yours Truly,

Sad and Young.

Hey SAY,

You do come off as sounding young.  Too emotionally young to be dating.  I’m not sure how old you are, but if I were you,  I would take some time off from the opposite (or same) sex.  I’d also advise you to spend that time developing and defining yourself for future relationships.  Find what you like in a person and don’t be afraid to admit you have faults.  Be a whole person.  Uncover hidden interests and enrich your own soul.

I’ll risk the ire of the one or two fine folks that will read my article and say: Not everyone is meant to pair up.  I mean that in the personality sense.  I don’t give a flying flip about sexual preference or race, or other superficial differences. Some people are just too hellbent on self destruction, some people are just unable to cope being with another person.  It takes strength to be in a partnership.

I say that as a warning for you, not to you.  Just a heads up on what to avoid.

As well as not being emotionally ready for dating, you do come off as sweet and caring–like you don’t want to hurt this individual.  That’s a good thing and it means you’ll be a good significant other someday….that’s some day and not now.

Good luck to you, SAY.  Stay nice.  Don’t grow bitter and wizened, like me.  I am definitely the woman mothers warn their baby boys about.

Happy Friday

My GOD was this week crazy.   So now… a picture.  Hmm.  My smartphone takes decent pictures.  Good to know!

 

People Can Be Clumsy Idiots

We are who we are.  We can’t help it.  We have misunderstandings and hurt each others feelings without meaning to.  People can be emotionally clumsy, to put it in the most succinct terms.  I, personally, am clumsy in both the physical and emotional sense.  I don’t try to run around and hurt people; it just happens. It’s life.  Life is inconvenient and messy sometimes.

Communication is key.  Trust is key.  Friendship is the glue that not only holds individuals together, but is also necessary to our very civilization.  When camaraderie and common courtesy begin to break down, so too does law and order.   No one wants that.

So, when you find that you do hurt someone, and if you didn’t mean too, take a deep breath and  tell yourself it’ll be ok.  Try not to make the same mistake and be easy on both yourself and the other person.

Forgive. Forget.  Breath, and let go.

This is me and my cat having a conversation.

Well, not really.  But it is pretty cute.  And it is short.   

Fantasy Cast for a New Xmen Movie

Yeah, some of these people are older.  So this is just a ‘fantasy’ list.  Oh, and I think I’d hire some of you to actually write the movie.  Two of you–at least–could pull a better screenplay out of your butts than the last “script:

Jean Grey:  A young Nicole Kidman.  I think she could have easily pulled of Jean, especially during the Dark Phoenix.   She can do neurotic/crazy fairly well, which makes me wonder if it happens to come naturally to her.

Scott Summers:  John Barrowman.  Excellent actor and all around good guy.

Warren Worthington:  Brad Pitt.  I have a toy…errr action figure…yeah, that’s it….which is clearly modeled after this dude’s face.

Elizabeth Braddock:  I’d go with the English version of her and get Angelina Jolie to play her. The whole body switching is way too confusing. Besides, Brad and Angelina have on-screen chemistry.  And yeah, maybe I want to see her in something revealing.

Rogue:   Jessica Biel.  She’s sassy and tough enough to portray Rogue.  Not to mention her so hot it can melt spandex sex appeal—she’s definitely got Rogue’s body.

For villains? Hmm.  I’ve just got one off the top of my head…

Tobin Bell (From the Saw movies)  as Sinister. That chilling voice would be great for Sinny and he knows how to act his way out of a wet paper sack.  His whole premise might have to be retconned to fit the movies, but that’s doable..and doable in a believable way.  Maybe, if the part is written just so, there could be a way to bring in Apocalypse.

 

Acknowledge My Geode

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I suppose I should explain this.  It’s one of my favorite phrases to use when I want my roomie’s attention.  It seems better than to say, “Hey, quit staring holes through your computer monitor. We need to talk.” I guess its sort of a safeword. I employ it frequently and will continue to use it.  At least with Saunya. It’s fun to use it…and always wrangles a laugh or two when I do.  Even  when we’re mad at each other.

Yeah, friendships that last twenty-two years wind up being very weird.  With loads of inside jokes.

I actually picked it up from The Simpsons, (Seymour Skinner’s Badddasss Song) where Bart takes his dog to school and upstages Martin Prince–complete with geode–during show and tell.  There was something that I liked about that, and so I turned it into a delightful turn of phrase.

Soooo…please acknowledge my geode and leave a comment!  Just kidding.  You don’t have to.

Desperation claws at my heart
Fights grow stronger
Fears ignite the tense air

The roomie and I are fighting. A lot.
I’ve been stressed and that tends to make me bitch.

A LOT.

Money problems are evil.

Plus, things are heating up with the boyfriend.  Ahh.  A real boyfriend.

Feels good to say.  It just means I’m moving forward with my life and breaking out
of a vicious circle.

Happy New Year

Wow.   A New Year.  A new opportunity to make resolutions and break em. The fun is not in thinking of the resolutions themselves, but in the utter smashing!  I comprehend why it is symbolic to begin a new start on New Year’s Day, but it never works out. Well, mostly.

I did promise myself to find a person who would treat me right, and to find that person for the correct reasons.  Not out of a bone deep loneliness, but because I care about him and want to be with him.  Too bad we’re about 2500 miles apart.  I guess this year’s problem will be to solve the distance.  Needles have been found in haystacks, so anything is possible given hard work.

I’m promising myself three things:

• Lose more weight
• Write more.  (I’ll try to write here 3xs a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. No promises, though.)
• Love more.

Yes, I’m detecting a “more” theme going on.  I should try to be more positive, but hey, I want ATTAINABLE goals.