Monthly Archives: October 2008
Yesterday was a hard day. A close friend is /going to be/ homeless. He is at the end of his rope. He feels, or at least he did last night, that there is no hope, that there is nothing but oblivion for him.
He didn’t want platitudes. He didn’t want to be comforted. He just wanted to be listened to.
I thought instead of trying to talk him out of it, I should let him give me his reasons for “oblivion”. Oh, it hurt. It hurts to see a person flay themselves to the bone, to reveal the innermost thoughts about themselves. I thought that by listening, I would be able to be the “shunt” that allows all that internal poison to come out. But doing that hurt so bad. It’s a quick drain on the emotional batteries. As of this post, I’m feeling nothing but mental white noise. I am drained. Completely. Utterly.
It was real. It wasn’t a stunt for attention. It was a cry for help. He needs help as he really thinks he’d better off dead.
I’m letting him stay a few days, so that hopefully he’ll get some perspective on his situation.
(Yeah, I know most people would call the police, but truly suicidal folks just go through with it. Usually with little to no warning. I figure as long as he’s talking about it, there’s a chance to help him.)
Ugh. I’ve looked back into my previous posts and I am mortified by how entrenched in self pity I was. I guess I had a lot of baggage to deal with.
I still have some to deal with. I contacted my real mother sometime ago. I didn’t want a relationship, all I wanted was her side of the story. She shut me down, she didn’t want to talk. It eventually ended with me ALMOST having a nervous breakdown and emotionally latching onto some blogger friends….Well, I won’t delve into that except to say that I found out who my friends really were. And who were jerks.
There’s a hole inside of me from my past. Yes, it’s still there. No, I haven’t found any emotional cement to fill it with. I really don’t care at this point. I am not able to really bond with another person. Heck, I can barely have a decent conversation without tripping over my tongue. I have a fear of abandonment, I have on-going battles with self-esteem.
Enough with all that crud. Enough with the inner desperation for a mother. Just. Enough. I’m tired of giving people power over my thoughts and I am tired of wanting a fantasy mother, a beautiful angel with hair of gold and open arms.
I have a reunion account, so imagine my surprise when I found a “someone is looking for you” alert in my mailbox. Apparently, the woman who just so happened to give birth to me has decided she wanted to search for me.
I am beyond livid at this point. I don’t think I want anything to do with her. Or my three half-siblings. I keep thinking, “Hmmm. She didn’t want me, but she wanted them.” Then anger and resentment boils me up inside.
I am just tired of thinking and wondering about her and my half sibs. Yet, I don’t want to let some stranger who happens to share a few genes with me anywhere NEAR me. She left my life for a very good reason (drugs) and I don’t know if I am strong enough to reach out to her again.
Leaves of autumn red, gold and brown
All too soon they will embrace the ground
Beautiful leaves of autumn bright
Glimmer with diamond frost at night
Summer has gone, fall has begun
When the zombies come, I will run
The night of terror is close at hand
Dreadful chills will fill this land
Wolves howl, vampires bite
The Evil Dead will put up a fight
Dead cold fingers knock at my door
Trick or treat, the little ghouls want more
The dead will rise from their graves
And they’ll throw some illin’ raves
Ghostly tunes echo in my head
That zombie band knows how to shred.
This is going to sound, well, odd, but one of the problems with losing weight is learning to think smaller. Not only in portions, but clothing as well.
My clothes are starting to hang off me. Really, one good puff of wind is all that would take to make them go *poof*! I suppose know it’s a good thing I’m down from a size 28 to 22. I walk easier and I’m more energetic. I don’t get depressed nearly as often, and so I’m more hopeful about the future. (Unless I read the news.)
It’s hard for me to let go of the fat clothes. I always thought I’d be happy to shed them, but I’m kind of scared now. I don’t know to articulate my feelings. Maybe because it’s change…and I fear it? Maybe I’m afraid to become attractive. (Or maybe I just think too much.)
It does feel good to shed pounds. I know I have to do it and I do hate being a fatso.
If this country were truly founded on religious freedom, it shouldn’t matter if Obama were a Muslim. He’s not, but some people insist he is because of his name. We, as citizens, should be able to pursue happiness no matter where it takes us. (As long as it does no harm.)
Look, I don’t assume that everyone with the last name of Bush is an idiot. People shouldn’t assume that the surname of Obama is that of an American hating terrorist. It’s common sense, people! Please exercise it.
And I hate to say it: some Vietnam vets aren’t particularily good people. I’m not necessarily thinking of McCain. But just because someone waves that “I’m a Vet” flag, doesn’t qualify them for the seat of President. (Didn’t McCain rag on Kerry for mentioning the swift boats?) Military people aren’t always good presidents. Ulysses S. Grant was a so-so President, he tolerated corruption, but he was for civil rights for African Americans. He was flawed, I guess I could put it that way.
I’ll swipe some political comments from a post on a defunct blog and put them up for your reading pleasure….
“I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved–the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!” – John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson
I don’t think John Adams was against Christianity, per se, but rather to the extremes to which it was taken throughout history (up to 1776, anyhow)…i.e Crusades, witch burnings and other atrocities.
“Experience witnesseth that ecclesiastical establishments, instead of maintaining the purity and efficacy of religion, have had a contrary operation. During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.” – James Madison, “A Memorial and Remonstrance”, 1785
‘Tis our true policy to steer clear of permanent Alliances, with any portion of the foreign world. George Washington, Farewell Address, September 19, 1796
I wasn’t able to get the whole farewell address, but I wonder if this means he’d disapprove of our involvment in the U.N, or with our policy of getting ‘interested’ in other countries’ disputes.
“Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.” George Washington, Farewell Address, September 19, 1796
True patriotism is criticizing the government and not merely agreeing with the majority.
“The government of the United States is in no sense founded on the Christian Religion.” -President George Washington (Acts Passed at the First Session of the Fifth Congress of the United States of America (Philadelphia: William Ross, 1797), pp. 43-44.)
“The Bible is not my book, nor Christianity my religion.” -President Abraham Lincoln
I think he believed in God, but rejected people’s interpretations of their version of the truth. As I said before, people are flawed. People are inclined to twist words to fit their needs or just outright lie.
No, our world won’t end in the biblical threat of fire and brimstone. Maybe man made fire and brimstone? But I know for sure that it’ll end with all of us at each other’s throats. OVER petty issues.
I have to ignore what’s going on. I have to get my mind in the right place.
At least gas is going down. Right?
Some songs are just so bittersweet and beautiful that they make you want to cry. Note: By you, I mean me.
This is one of them. It has some truth to it also, mainly the line: I thought love was black or white, either it was wrong or it was right. Maybe love can be both wrong and right. Or neither.
In my limited experience, I’ve noticed love isn’t black or white, all or nothing. It’s in shades of gray. It’s in the shades of give and take, the art of compromise. It’s about being firm in one’s identity but able to melt in the intimacy of sharing.
Enjoy the song! And add your thoughts if you like! 🙂